Can you smell the letter G...

Gastrophelia
The mania or obsession of smelling gasoline, and other people's farts. Many people are in denial, but they do this to see if every fart smells the same.

Or
gastropheliac
A person who enjoys the smell of other peoples farts. A person who inhales or enjoys enhaling gastro-intestinal aromas.

F is for....

I know the post is a little late chil'ren but Cockbag has been busy driving to God's country and back today. So after some hard work and much searching I found this little bit of enjoyment for you all:

festicles
Dressing up your testicles in holiday attire

whenever christmas rolls around Jim paints lefty green and righty red making his festicles look mighty jolly

E

This is dedicated to my brother, not to mention I was guilty of such a release about five minutes ago at my desk-hence the inspiration

electric fart
n. A fart with a lot of juice in it.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety please stand back; I'm ready to release an electric fart here.

Today we will learn the letter "D"

I am sad to say that the Urban Dictionary had no definitions for Douche Princess (and I refer to the Biscuit with that great title) or Douche Queen (original nickname for the Biscuit but she got so offeneded at it that Senorita Crankypants now has that name).

Instead I have this new word for you:

douche pot pie

The most potent of all douche-related insults. The king/queen of all douches, recipient of the "biggest douche in the universe" award.

"Dude, you cheated on your girlfriend with her mom, and then you jacked her stereo! You're a total douche pot pie!!"

My favorite phrase is in the Urban Dictionary

I came up with a phrase a while back and now I am happy to see multiple definitions exist for it....(WARNING: some of these definitions are not for the faint of heart)

Cunt Nugget:

1. Generic insult. Refers to solidified vaginal discharge.
Keep your hands off my damned livermush sandwich, cunt nugget!

2. A mixture of vaginal discharge, blood from a woman's period, and pubic hairs that have solidified.
Oh man, I found a cunt nugget while eating her out! I threw up right away!

3. A nugget, akin to 'Yee Haw i got myself some gold nuggetsz!' and a cunt, akin to the one you stick your penis into.
You are a fucking cunt nugget"

4. a very bitchy, self absorbed person. slut muffin
Nate, your sucha cunt nugget.

5. 1. Asshole who bitches too much 2. Idiotic bitch fucker
"You fucking cunt nugget!"

6. A heady nugget that has been dipped in a festering cunt, therefore making it stink like a cunt
I just smoked the nastiest cunt nugget that my girlfriend put in my bag!

Urban Dictionary and the letter B

Ball Camel Toe

Expression used when a guy wears an extremly tight PE short (or any short for physical activity), in which the short's crotch actually "cuts" the scrotum sac in two, making it look like an actually camel toe. The "Ball Camel Toe" effect is only complete when it looks like a camel toe and the penis is bent upwards due to the lack of resting/hanging space.

Cako used a PE short that used to fit him well in Second Grade the other day during PE class, which made him get a Ball Camel Toe. It was nasty...

New fun with words

If I stay on top of it, this Cockbag is going to start the Urban Dictionary word of the day. I heard about this word gem on the Bob and Tom Show this morning on my way to work.

aquatic prairie dog
Huge turd floating in a body of water, usually a lake.

Sentence Use:
Hey Bryce, watch out for one of them aquatic prairie dogs while you're out there.

Being abducted is now fun

Do you detect the slighest bit of sarcasm in that title. Child Psychologist and general expert on everything in life Bill O'Reilly made that absurd statement on the Factor recently. Yes the biggest idiot in America made the statement that Shawn Hornbeck had fun being abducted because he didn't have to go to school. On his show he goes on the record and says:

"The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn't have to go to school. He could run around and do whatever he wanted."

Can you believe he said "old parents." His parents are his parents. His abductor is a criminal and not a parent in any way, shape, or form. And don't forget fucktard Bill is the author of a children's book too.

The best quote is: "He's got these piercing this is a troubled kid in my opinion." Bill, I didn't know that piercing something on your body equates being troubled. I, myself, have had piercings in the past and known many successful people with various body piercings as well. And we don't know, maybe his captor wanted him to have them or this was his way of dealing with the horrible situation...and by the way Bill he appeared to be piercing free on the Oprah show. So I guess that makes him normal now.

Yeah, I'm sure it is fun to be terrorized by a alleged pediophile for 4+ years, have no contact with your family, be brainwashed, abused, and have your life threatened. Everyone much rather have that happen to them than go to school. How the country is not completely outraged at these comments is beyond me, especially since the petty fued of Rosie the Whale and Disco Donald Trump is still getting airtime.

Dirty Mind

Chatting with Senorita Crankypants got me to thinking, instead of American Idol, Cinemax or HBO needs to have the next Porn Idol. Jenna Jamieson, Larry Flint, and Ron Jeremy would be the judges. I of course would be the strip club DJ, a career I have always dreamed about. For some reason I think this idea has already been done but in case it hasn't I am patenting it, copyrighting it, and registering it all under Cockbag, LLC.

Girls Gone Wild has nothing on this.

Best News

As I was coming home in bad rainy traffic with a tractor trailer hogging my lane I heard the best news of the day. My jaw dropped the rest of the way home and I could care less how bad the fucktard tractor trailer was driving. Ben Ownby was found alive and safe in a Kirkwood apartment. He had been abducted earlier this week. That was good news. The absolutely stunning news was that Shawn Hornbeck who was kidnapped in October 2002 (yes four plus years) was found in the same apartment.

News like this puts your life in perspective-don't sweat the small stuff.

To quote Bob Marley "Everything is going to be alright."

At least I am not this desperate yet....

My future Chicago wife, not to be confused with my Ladue Houswife sent this link today and I about fell out of the chair laughing. It seems that the mayor of Carbondale, Illinois and home to my beloved Alma Mater is going to the internets to find himself a wife.

While I have yet to find love, and I really haven't searched that hard, please feel free to slap or beat me up if I ever get to this point.

Here is a picture in case you ladies are interested. He has a certain Jim Talent look to him, and yes he is a Republican too.

General Recap and File this under not my idea

Well before I start my ranting, I swear in really life I am quite normal and sane but get me blogging turns my words into something Lewis Black would say.

A general recap:

I have been off work the last week and a half. This cockbag is now well rested and mostly stress free from the BS occupying his mind. More important than the break off work was the much needed break from my masters. I am almost halfway done and ready to have that diploma in hand. My mind is waivering (like John Cary on Iraq) on whether or not I still want to pursue a PhD.

I actually survived Christmas/Festivus/Christian Chanukah. Cockbag is also happy to report that it was a very good Christmas. I got awesome gifts, better than the garden hose a few years back when I lived in an apartment. Of course I told everyone what I wanted, but this year they actually listened. Dad and step-mom got me a way cool iPod Nano (but I already need a bigger one, 500 songs I quickly found out doesn't go to far) and a portable flash drive which will come in handy with my laptop. Mom and step dad got me a digital camera (they actually got me a better one than what I asked for) and a huge memory card for it too. Brother got me a very nice iPod FM transmittor and charger for my car. Other relatives did quite well too with gift cards to Home Depot and Target. '

The only disappoint with Christmas/Festivus/Christian Chanukah was that my one niece was sick so I did not get to see her or her sister. Uncle Cockbag did quite well spoiling his nieces again this year and retaining the title as the uncle who buys the best, most obnoxious, and hated (by parents) gifts. The sick niece got an Elmo microphone that plays 10 of his favorite songs (sure to annoy everyone) and she apparantly is in love with it. I found new niece a really annoying and loud toy as well. I really outdid myself for my oldest niece, though as usual (I shouldn't have favorites but she is). I found a microphone stand that has sound effects pedals on it that had applause and drum rolls. She MC'd the gift opening at Christmas and made sure everyone got an ovation after opening their gift. It was by far the best $10 investment I have ever made.

I also caught up on some movies too. Watched Wedding Crashers for the almost 2nd time. I started to watch the movie this summer until the incident prevented me from finishing it, another version of the story is here. I also rented 40 Year Old Virgin. This is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. The guys at the electronics store are all remind me of people I went to college with. The pothead is exactly like a guy Dave I know. Very good and very funny movie. My new favorite quote is "I should tear up the hardwood and see if there's carpet underneath."

My break from the grind was good and I got some projects I had been putting off around the house finally done. On a sad note my rental income will be coming to an end January 15 as my roommate, or as B. Kitty refers to him, life partner, moves out. So I hope I can find a new roommate because Cockbag needs to pay da bills.

File this under not my idea

Saturday night started off ok with plans to hang out with Erin and Alison. Since Erin lives in O'Fallon, Illinois; Alison and I decided to pay a visit to the East-Side (sorry we forgot our tickets to the Sauget Ballet) and grab some dinner. I made Alison drive because I had left my bubble (see definition below) too many times in the past week. Erin's husband we'll say was indisposed of that evening and her parents met us for dinner instead. Dinner was good and they suggested going to a bar that had Karoke. Not my idea of fun but I am open to different experiences. Let's just say this was a dive bar-mullets, bad 80's perms, feathered hair, Stag, and Milwauke's Best served in cans.

Well four generations of one family were there too-70ish great-grandma with constant cigarette hanging out of the mouth, 50ish grandma slightly pudgy and wearing tacky Christmas sweater, mom in late 20's, and son probably around the age of 9. The sad part was the kid fell asleep with his head on the table around 11pm and the rest of the family still partied and sang. BelleVegas parenting at its best.

This one grizzled looking woman was there too. Rough looking face, blonde fem-mullet, and drinking a Milwauke's Best in a can-I was in love. We pulled a trick from B. Kitty and am waiting on Erin to send photographic proof of my trailer park beauty queen. We stayed there way too long and then went to a bigger dive bar after that, that I am not even going to go into detail about.

New Years was pretty lame as well. I won't go into details but I went along with some friends to a bar, got annoyed, and went home at 10:30pm.

There you have it.



Cockbags Bubble: since moving to the city I generally stay within the following boundries: Northern Boundry is Delmar Blvd; Southern Boundry is Watson/Chippewa; Eastern Boundry Grand Blvd (sometimes only Kingshighway); and Western Boundry Brentwood Blvd. Leaving the bubble can lead to convulsions, foaming of the mouth, and lock jaw.